Love is a subject that could never be finished learning. It spreads wide and existed since the beginning of time, in every thing that existed. However, it is as fragile as a glass, yet it is as hard as a rock. Simply, a person can love one and hate one the next day just because of a small twist. On the other hand, a person can love one from the day they met, till the forever and still the feelings never wane.

How much do you think before you love a person? Do you truly consider all aspects of a person, or just a "love at first sight"? Would you give up loving just because the person says that he/she loves you not? Are you going to start a relationship even if you think that it may be short?

Feelings had never needed much consideration. I separate the words love and like, for to me, they carry a different meaning. I like her... even now... even when she had done things that hurt me, I still carry on liking. I like her more than I could ever liked a normal friend. However, I don't love her, never did. The only people I had ever loved from the day I was born till now, was my family and relatives. My love for them, no matter what, stays in my heart for eternity.

Feelings carry a lot more things other than love and like. This is what made us imperfect, made us different, made us unique. We all have different feelings for different things. Try to get to know all of your feelings for everything, and enjoy them, even if it is "hatred". Do not be afraid. Let them flow. But try not to be too into it or, you might get stuck and never recoverable. Do you think I'm a person too hooked up to my feelings?

Thinking of you was one of my daily work. But recently, I felt that such things must not even bother me anymore. The moment I noticed that you were not going to be there where I would go, I often felt like quitting immediately. But that had not been done, mainly because I felt that for you, dear, I should improve alone to reach for you. I was also hoping that I could spend more time with you, even if you treat me as just a normal friend. But then again, I had also felt that no matter how much work I've done, there wasn't anything that could create a certain bond between us. I wanted to wither away and stay out of your sight. I know I am an eyesore to you. I am sorry for being so persistant in this. I am really sorry. My feelings had an awkward way of turning. No matter how much it is, I felt that being angry to you is never possible, but you seemed to always mistake my sorrow for anger. I can't tell you that face to face. I often felt hurt, but I know that you shouldn't be concerned about it. Or rather, You'd be the last to be concerned about me. I am an idiot, a very stupid idiot who never stops dreaming and dreaming, even when I told myself a zillion times to shut that retarded dream of mine. You deserve some one better. And I hope that you'd always find happiness in whatever choice you make. This for you, dear, I write here tonight. Please be happy...

I've just had a fight over with my freedom with my dad. I ran out of home. That may be the most stupid thing I had ever done. Nevertheless, I was then out in the cold world, vulnerable to the cold night breeze and the eerie darkness. I cried as I sat on a bench somewhere in the middle of a field. Then, as I waited for my tears to dry, I lay on the bench, looking up at the starry sky. Slowly, as the wind blew across the field of grass and I listened to the lullaby quietly. Silently my eyes shut and I fell into a deep slumber, to forget the sorrow in my heart...

As I opened my eyes the next day, I looked up at the sky, it was crystal clear. I turned my head to the right and froze almost instantly. There you were, sitting on the soft grass field and laying your head on the bench, asleep. When did you get there? Why did you stay? I got up slowly, careful not to wake you up. But you were as sensitive as before, you opened your eyes slowly and stared straight at me.

Then, you smiled, and said, "Good morning to you, must have been a nice night to sleep out here."

I didn't know what to reply, I was speechless. You had stayed by me through the night!!! I was quite happy then. In fact, I felt like embracing you at that instant. I had to ask... "Why did you...?" "Nothing, saw a lonely kid sleeping here alone, so I just wanted to give him company." We walked together again. This time, you happily said goodbye to me with a friendly wave before you shut the door. I smiled as I walked back home. I entered the house, but I wasn't afraid of my father's shouting and beating, I was too happy for that.

I sat in front of the window, and stared at the sky. Thinking about you, I didn't know what to do. I couldn't understand a single thing about you. Although I managed to grasp half of what you usually do, and half of what you usually like, I still couldn't grasp your personality. There were several events that I asked you to go with me, but you said you couldn't or wouldn't. You had all sort of reasons. I trust them to be true.

Slowly, I felt that you began to talk to me more. Your actions showed a certain kind of answer, but I couldn't get it. I was too stupid to get any of those. In the end, I simply just followed the flow of the river. Are you going to hold on tight?

Everyday I hope, everyday I dream, but it always will be just something I would never get, something impossible. Shivering, I hid myself under the blanket every night, afraid to face what I would experience the next day. I am always afraid of losing you, always afraid of losing faith, always afraid of never being able to dream anymore.

Looking from the side, I felt inferior. You danced gracefully on the stage, but I just stood idle at a dark corner, watching your feet gliding around the stage. I wanted to be up there, with you as your partner. However, it was clear that you have a better partner, a partner that could really help you perform to your best. Hence, I stood there, far from you, admiring you in every way possible. As your dance finished, you bowed, and I clapped. Thereafter, I should disappear, and no longer bother you. So, I turned and walked out the place.

I walked down the lonely street. Only the dim street lamps seem to be alive. As I paced along the cold pavement, I felt a pat at my back. You jumped in front of me. "Why leaving so fast?" You asked. And I didn't reply. Still, you gave that sweet smile of yours, and walked with me down the pavement. We talked as if we've never talked before. When we reached your home, we said goodbye. I didn't want you to leave. If I could, I'd ask you to come stay at my house. You entered the door without looking back. I was hurt then. But it wasn't that painful anymore. That wasn't the first time... Then, I continued walking down the street, alone.

You called me. I was happy. That was the first time. I answered and was ready to reply whatever it was. You asked for help, and I tried my best. You wanted things, and I gave them without questions or conditions. I'd do anything for you... After all that, your call never came again. That was the one and only one.

As time passed by, I felt the gap between you and I got bigger and bigger. I tried to closen up the gap, but it just wouldn't happen. In fact, it seemed like you were trying to get further from me. Often I wondered why... I tried to go to you at times, but you're always busy with other things. I sat still and then decided, without me in your life, there won't be a difference. In fact, it is the same to everyone. I don't know beginning from which day, I started to refrain myself from talking to you. And slowly, the time passed and passed....

It's just the second day school reopened. But I felt as if I could not carry on any more. The impact on my heart really had demolished any self esteem I ever had. Now I felt only to cry out loud and pass away just like that. I felt further and further away from everyone. There wasn't much delighting things happening.

Yesterday was one terrible day. I didn't know what to do after I was back from school. I played the piano freely, without any timing at all... Going slow and fast as my heart felt like. I tried to complete my add maths project, but sat idle for almost an hour before keeping the things, untouched. I tried to sleep, but turned over and over, never able to shut my mind.

Today I feel different in school. And possibly, the monster in me would be coming out soon. I did things I had not done for quite a long time, I felt things that had I not felt since long ago. I hated that, but it seems that it is getting harder to control it now. Looking around, I felt that I was never wanted, never needed. Just a burden to all. I don't know... I feel that I am too much a trouble to be with. Hopefully this ends tonight...

As everyone has heard it before, if there is a beginning, there is an ending. The mid-term holidays are at an end. It will be back to the usual days, full of tough times, work, fun, enjoyment, hatred, love and all, in the usual places, well, for me it's school.

I wonder what would be happening since this time the break was two weeks and I had not touched any school-related books for the whole holiday. argh.... I will see how much I have deteriorated. I finally began doing my add maths project. I wonder if I'd ever complete it on time.

This holiday had somehow drastically destroyed something. I do not quite remember how she looked like, much to say how most of my other friends look like. I feel a sudden pain now and then in my heart. I can't sleep properly. Or rather, after sleeping for the few hours, I wake up without any strength left inside. Something's wrong with me. My feeling's are turning dull. But yet, this tiny flame still fights on, and no matter what I try to do, the flame would not go out, leaving me always thinking of her. Sry... getting too stupid here...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA got to change phone!!!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, not a VERY good phone, but still... better than T610 AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA YAYS!!!!!

Last night was hell... I had this slow stomach ache when I was playing DOTA. Mercurial is very cool actually. Anyway... the ache became worse. I was stuck in the toilet struggling with the pain for almost half an hour. I don't know what had gone wrong, but the pain was unbearable. I felt giddy, close to fainting. What happened next was a blurr, I just remembered collapsing on the bed and shut down everything. The next thing I knew, it was morning already.

Now is the last week of the holidays. It seems like everything has been passing by fast. Tomorrow would be a very delightful day for some of my friends. I am happy for them, they are finally settling down seriously. hehe... I'd rather not disturb, so I'll be staying at home and continue my unrealistic dream. Well, good luck jhan!!!

I miss her. It's been a week since I've talked to her... I know this is just me, but I still wish I could have seen her. I was hoping that I could forget, but it seems that I couldn't yet. I'll wait and see, maybe some day, I would finally find the answer for the question that had never left my mind. As long as she is happy, whatever she does, I'd wish her all the best...

My days passed by meaninglessly. Yesterday I went out with a group of friends. We watched MI3. There was an interesting story to be heard from Jian Han. I listened. It showed how a single trip could have shaped the hearts of people. I smiled at this... Yeong Han had something to tell me, and that changed something inside my dream...

Today, a lot of things happened. I went to school for the choir practice. It was quite fun, actually. There were two sms that I sent out, one reply only. That was fine... I had expected it...

In the afternoon, I fell down my stairs because of the leakage of the water tank. I cracked my toe nail, lucky it wasn't serious. Told my mum about the leakage, and took quite some time to fix it. Then, I waited and waited. Spending my day as if drifting in an empty vacuum. There was nothing about anymore... There would be less to dream about already, there would be less to think. It's only another week and half, and the real battle would begin. Maybe I would destroy this current dream of mine first, before the holiday ends... bye...